Lying Liars Who Lie: Munchausen By Internet.
"Munchausen by Internet" is a phrase coined by psychologist Marc Feldman to describe people who fake or exaggerate illness online for monetary or personal gain. Over the years it has come to describe anyone who engages in this type of behaviour, whether they meet the criteria for a diagnosis of actual Munchausen Syndrome, are simply attention seeking, or just completely lacking in any sort of moral compass. Whatever part of the spectrum they fall on, one thing is certain; they leave a trail of heartbreak and destruction in their wake.
Some are easy to spot - the person you've befriended, who within the first six months is dying of three different cancers, has contracted a rare fatal disease on top of that, been diagnosed with umpteen dozen other conditions to boot, and has zero evidence to back up any of their claims aside from a 'Go Fund Me' page begging for financial donations. Or the self professed 'Anorexic' blogger, whose friend tearfully posts on her behalf claiming that she threw herself out the window of a tall building and screamed her goal weight as she plummeted to the ground (I kid you not on that one).
Others though? Others aren't so easy to pick up on; others who are manipulative enough to play the long game...
Others like Sarah.
I first met Sarah online in 2003. We were both members of a support group for people who were dealing with various eating disorders, and other mental health issues. Sarah came across as sweet, and kind, and funny, and caring; the sort of person who seemed as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside. She struggled with anorexia, depression, self harm, and borderline personality disorder, but it wasn't until around 2005-2006 that we found out she was also allegedly diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis.
At first Sarah seemed dismissive, almost embarrassed regarding the concerns over her revelation that she had Cystic Fibrosis. She had posted a picture of herself to the forum looking sickly thin, with a nasogastric tube in place. Naturally this caused a fair level of concern amongst the other forum members, until Sarah herself finally admitted that her physical condition wasn't entirely due to her battle with anorexia, but that she also had a diagnosis of cystic fibrosis.
Up went a hue and cry of concern, "Oh honey, why didn't you tell us? You know we're always here for you, it must be so awful having to deal with a condition like that, I'm seriously crying right now, you're so amazing and brave...(etc)." Sarah's response was to downplay the situation - none of us had any reason to worry, this was something she had just learnt to live with and manage, it's not like she let it get in the way of her trying to live her life, and she hated it when people treated her differently once they new about the CF.
In other words, she didn't act at all like someone who might have been faking an illness of personal gain or attention. She didn't shove her diagnosis in people's faces, she didn't harp on about how sick she was, she didn't regale us with endless tales of her near death experiences, and so on. There was none of that; it was just a simple, "Oh, by the way, I have Cystic Fibrosis, please don't make a big deal of it."
Gradually she did begin to open up more about her apparent battles. Whereas before her hospital admissions had all been eating disorder or depression based, now she was admitting to hospitalisations involving flare ups of her CF. Again these weren't admissions she made a big deal of, or dwelt upon to any great degree. Besides, her fellow support group members had encouraged her to be more open; we wanted to know what was going on, because we wanted to help . And if on the odd occasion she dropped a few hints about how defeated and lonely she felt being stuck in hospital, and someone just happened to send her a care package to try and make things a little better for her, well that's just what we did - after all we were more than just a support group, we were a family, and families were supposed to help each other out.
In time Sarah moved on to another forum. Although I remained primarily with the original group where Sarah and I had first met, I too would occasionally visit, and mostly lurk, at this new meeting place. At this point Sarah and I stayed in touch sporadically, but whenever I dropped by her new found place of support she was always one of the first people I made sure to check in on. I wanted to see how life was faring for her, and I was still willing to offer help and support whenever she needed it, regardless of what respective support groups we both visited. Over a period of more than ten years I was aware of a gradual worsening of her claimed 'Cystic Fibrosis', but again it wasn't anything that was too unexpected, her slowly declining health matched almost perfectly with what one might expect from someone with a legitimate diagnosis of CF as they headed into adulthood. Once again there was no big song and dance about her illness, no major red flags, and no real concrete signs that all was not as it seemed.
And then Sarah's condition took an apparent nose dive. There were numerous hospitalisations, time spent on Bipap, time spent in intensive care, time spent with her friends hoping and praying for her to pull through as her already frail body tried to fight off yet another infection. A few years previously I had lost another friend to the end result of septic shock and a subsequent forced period of prolonged bed rest, she too had had an underlying chronic condition so once again the fact that Sarah was now apparently in and out of hospital, fighting for her life, didn't seem that far fetched.
This is when Sarah and I rekindled our former close friendship. We'd always remained friends over the years, but our contact had been sporadic at best; now we were in touch on a daily basis, often several times a day; always with expressions of love, and gratitude, what a blessing it was to know one another, etc, etc, ad infinitum. Sarah had finally managed to string together a few weeks of relatively good health, at least for the condition she was supposedly in, but we knew that could change at a moment's notice, and the next hospitalisation could very well be her last. But we made the best of what we all thought was a bad situation, and thanked whatever powers that be that at least we had the time together we'd already been given. It was difficult though, she was my friend and I didn't want her to die.
Then, after yet another round spent in ICU, Sarah found love. She had met a wonderful woman, and they had both fallen truly, madly, and deeply for one another. This was at a time when same sex marriage was still illegal in many US states, so after a whirlwind romance and engagement (necessitated by Sarah's apparent declining health) Sarah began planning a Wedding in a neighbouring State, where their marriage would be legally recognised. Of course to do this she needed money, so up went the first of several Gofundme accounts set up and run by one of her Sarah's friends at her behest.
Several months later, questions were being asked. Oh, and another fundraising account was up and running, this time for a 'Princess' trip to Disneyland. Actually make that two fundraising accounts, all set up on different sites.
You see, Sarah's wedding plans had fallen through. Her side of the story was that her fiancee had relapsed into a drug addiction and chosen the drugs over her - it seemed the fairytale romance wasn't so fairytale after all. Of course her fiancee had a very different recall of events that had transpired between them, something more along the lines of 'my ex is a manipulative, faker'. If Sarah had just asked those members of her various support groups, who donated to her Wedding fund, whether they wanted a refund of their money in light of what had transpired, or if it was okay for her to spend the money on something else, there's a good chance she wouldn't have been caught out with her lies. As it happened, she took the money people had donated out of the goodness of their hearts, and bought herself the latest ipad, and an iphone, because why not, , and then then proceeded to post pictures of her with it all over Instagram, -"Hey, check out my cool new toy, that other people paid for without really knowing that's where the money was going to."
The discussion that unfolded as to why Sarah had felt it was okay to spend donated funds on an item, that wasn't in the list of reasons why people should donate to a Gofundme account in the first place, started off civil enough. Naturally there were a few naysayers questioning the veracity of her claims overall, but for the most part people just wanted to know why Sarah had felt it was okay to take money people had donated for one thing, and spend it on something else entirely. When the woman who had set up Sarah's wedding Gofundme page finally broke her silence as to Sarah's bullying, verbal abuse, and manipulation, people's ears began to really prick up.
At this stage I was still very much 'Team Sarah', to the point that I began to act as a go-between. People had it all wrong, Sarah didn't maliciously spend other people's money as part of a scam, she was simply too devastated and embarrassed that her engagement had been called off, and her ex had apparently turned out to be an abusive junkie. Oh, and that ipad? Well she didn't spend the Gofundme donations on that, not really, that was more of a gift, or something; what she'd really spent the money on was hospital bills. But the questions kept coming, and more and more people were stepping forward to compare notes, and even I had to admit it didn't look good. Nevertheless I remained adamant that there had to be a reasonable explanation, one that didn't end with something along the lines of, "Sarah is a lying, manipulative scam artist". And so I continued to defend her, even in the face of increasingly mounting evidence.
In the end it was Sarah herself who confirmed what I really wasn't ready to accept; not via own admission, but through her actions. I had given her every opportunity to answer the questions that were being put to her; I had reassured her repeatedly that if she just provided the answers people were looking for then everything would be okay; I had even relayed the message that if she had been lying all this time then all she had to do was work out a way to pay back the money to those who asked, come completely clean about everything, and a lot of people would still be there to support her - this was a mental health support community after all; if her lies were part of deeper psychological issues at play then who were we to turn our backs. And yet despite all the promises and reassurances under the sun, Sarah remained steadfast in her refusal to give anything even remotely akin to a straight answer. It was this refusal to answer the most basic of queries from people, along with her continued efforts to shift the focus onto yet another round of attention grabbing photographs that chronicled her alleged illness which really made me start to question whether or not I really had been duped all those years. And that's when I found myself unceremoniously dumped in a pile marked 'Persona Non Grata' along with many of Sarah's other long term friends. That's when I knew for sure that the last 10+ years had been punctuated by one barefaced lie after another.
As it turned out Sarah did have asthma, which explained some of the medical equipment she was regularly seen with, but as for her having Cystic Fibrosis, none of that was true. Once the truth of Sarah's lies finally came out the true depth of her deception also began to be revealed.
Through out all of what transpired you have to remember this was someone I had known for more than a decade. This was my friend, this was someone I had grown close to, developed an attachment with. She may or may not have been dying, but who wants to point the finger of suspicion under such circumstances; what if you're wrong, what if she's not lying? We're not talking about someone claiming to have a common cold, this is someone who may, or may not have had scant months left to live - this is also someone who had never previously set off any 'lying liars who lie' type alarm bells, not in over ten years. Even when Sarah looked a little too healthy in her engagement photos, at least for someone allegedly on death's door, it was still easy enough for me to start mentally making excuses for her, "she'd had her hair and make up professionally done, the photographer they'd hired was one of the best, photo filters are miraculous things sometimes". Scammers of Sarah's ilk rely on this reluctance to question the truth in the face of apparent crippling illness, or imminent death.
So what should one do if they suspect a long term friend of lying? Put simply, don't be afraid to ask for clarification on any issues that don't quite sit right with you. You don't have to jump straight to accusations, but in my experience people who are telling the truth tend to be a little more upfront, and willing, when it comes to answering questions put to them.